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Controlling Personalities

by on June 26, 2013



It is important that we learn to manage life. We need to manage our own lives and we need to manage our relationships. In that way we are able to live useful lives to honor God and bless others. In the process, we are also blessed.

Some individuals, however, control instead of manage. They are persons who live difficult lives. Their lives are not happy and joyful. They can only function if they are in control. They control from leadership positions and/or subordinate positions. Where ever they are – they control.

What are some characteristics of these persons? If you are one of them, you can be helped (if you want to badly enough). If you are married to one, or work for or with one or several, you need to face the facts of the situation. Hopefully the following information will be useful.


General information – these people:

Are typically the product of a dysfunctional environment

Control and manipulate almost everyone

Those they cannot control, they attempt to eliminate or destroy

Are domineering in every situation

Will humiliate anyone who will not cooperate with them

Are opportunistic in dealing with people

Exploit the struggles of those they oppose

Their goals justify any means they want to use

Create addictive cycles of favor and abuse in their relationships

Make themselves the answer to all questions

The sad truth is that controllers are cowards

Hide their cowardice in plain sight by bullying


Personal characteristics– they are:

Above average in mental and physical ability

Typically multi-talented and capable

Lead a lonely existence

Life is a “king-on-the-mountain” game

“Charming” personality

Cool under pressure

Know how to present an acceptable image of themselves to others

Present themselves as underdogs and victims

Very convincing and persuasive

Contempt for those they cannot control

Never accept blame for anything

Everything is always someone else’s fault

Exploit others for personal gain

Secretive and deceptive about many of their doings

Do not want people to know what they are doing in their private lives

Make up or change the rules as they go

Ignore societal norms

Feel entitled to get and have anything they want

Quickly move from praise to harmful language

They are right – even when they are wrong

Chameleon type personality/behavior as needed

Everything has to be self-gratifying


Emotional development – not well developed:

Do not have well developed emotions

Do not experience real empathy

Detached from their own emotions so use artificial drama to impress

Any emotional expressions are superficial

They do not love.

They cannot love.

They are starved for love

They do not know what love is

They fear love

Have neither shame nor remorse

Cannot feel another person’s pain

Feel empty, small, and not important

All the while bragging about self


Do not have a sensitive conscience

Are quick to be angry when they do not get their way

Are sadistic – gain pleasure from inflicting pain on others

Are relentless in pursuit of conquering all perceived foes

Feign sorrow and forgiveness

Are not able to see their own hypocrisy

Are shrewd and clever but –

Are devoid of Spiritual discernment

Plot the removal of any rivals


Do not really know themselves

Do not want to know themselves

Do not allow other people to get to know them

The “them” that people know is not their real person

Are afraid of truth.



Find ways to be unique and noticed in some way in every situation –

While looking like they fit into the situation

Their goal is to control everyone and every situation


Constant need for stimulation – from childhood:

Self-serving attitudes

Love a fight

Will abuse people if they can get away with it

Only apologize as far as needed to mend fences and continue their agenda

Get others to do their “dirty work”


Not really sorry for wrong

No personal boundaries for self or others

Disregard for rights of others

Any behavior that furthers their agenda is acceptable


Underlying problems – many underlying difficulties:

Deep rage


Inappropriate sense of personal importance

Egotistical, egocentric

Are products of a dysfunctional system

Never really accountable to anyone

Set up accountability systems that are only about image


Relationships with others – are shallow:

Make great first impressions

Do not have friends.

Keep people at arms-length

Need others to be attached to them in unhealthy ways

Make contacts with people who will tolerate them

Provide sense of security for their victims

Provide sense of well being for their victims

Create learned helplessness in victims

Create loyalty in victims –

By fear and false love because some people love their abusers

Victims become willing accomplices

Gather “yes” people around them

Profit from the trusting nature of most people

Fiercely protect their “friends”

Fiercely attack anyone who challenges them or their friends

Reinforce the relationship with victims

Ingratiate themselves into other’s lives

Schmooze and attack as needed to control

Schmooze to create political alliances

Attack those who will not cooperate with them


Their conversations are:

About themselves or

About fact gathering or

About explaining why others are wrong


They have no genuine empathy.

Any apparent empathy is manipulative

Will not allow anyone to out-do them

Do not “get mad – they get even”

Do not feel remorse or guilt

Are indifferent to the damage they cause

Drive “hard bargains” in financial and social matters

Expect to be well paid for what they do


Hurt other people – it is the only way they know how to live –

Because they have intense pain in their hearts

Demanding of other’s time and attention

Make people feel guilty for challenging them


Are not close and warm in any relationship

Difficult to live with in marriage

Do not make close relationships with their children

Their “self” does not allow them to see others –

Except as others can benefit their agenda.

Their “self” prevents integrity

Their self is always in first place –

Even when they are featuring someone else

That is the primary issue with controllers

They are the center of everything and

They are so sad and

They makes others so sad and

That is so sad


They are to be pitied and helped…

From → Christian Living

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