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Abuse the Tragedy – Part IV B – Men and Boys who are abused

by on March 29, 2016

Abuse the Tragedy – Part IV B – Men and Boys who are abused

While apparently fewer men, than women, are abused, the abuse is also very painful and life-changing.

1. Bullying is a common type of abuse of boys. Older or bigger boys or men often find some satisfaction by bullying younger or smaller boys. These experiences can be physical, emotional, verbal, and/or sexual.

2. By discipline – by fathers who are overly ardent in discipline. Parents can be well-meaning but still abusive. They may just be treating their children the way they were treated. “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger” is the Bible teaching no matter how you were treated.

Sons can be angered by demanding fathers who are not always careful to mix discipline with love and grace. Boys can react by becoming angry and repeating the father’s life and behaviors. Or, fathers who provide no discipline – this also is abuse because it does not value the life of the son enough to bring caring correction to him.

3. By mothers who totally control the family and keep dad under their thumbs and manipulate their son’s thoughts and behaviors. These mothers raise boys to never become men and live in a constant state of adolescence. They behave like adolescents all their lives and make life difficult for their own families.

4. By wives who have themselves been abused or have been raised in an environment of matriarchal control. These men frequently suffer in silence. Some of them turn to porn or to actual physical expressions of sexuality to meet their ‘needs’. These men go to work dutifully and never realize their full potential as men. Some of these men are in positions of authority and continue to live lives of hypocrisy, not always because they want to but because they willingly fulfill their roles even in their painful existence.

5. By neglect. Not being present is abuse. Not being physically or emotionally present can be abuse. Not providing the needed care and instruction and healthy discipline leaves the boy to his own attempts to be significant. Those attempts frequently fail to provide safe and satisfying directions. Not all abuse is physical or sexual. All abuse is harmful and painful.

Ways in which Men respond to abuse

1. Anger, covert or overt, is a typical response. The anger may have many different outlets. Passive aggressive behavior is frequent. Apparent compliance but, at the same time, finding ways to thwart the system are typical male responses.

2. Inability to function in healthy ways. Pain and distress prevent them from becoming the men they need to be. Their minds continually hear the negative assessments of the past and feel unable to rise above the put-downs. They can live a painful existence of self-abuse and abuse of others.

3. Sublimation is common as they pour themselves into their work and business. The love they miss in marriage and family is poured into business or farming. Many times they do not bless their own children and then their children grow up without the nurture they need to function well. The displaced love is funneled in building a kingdom for themselves. They provide well for the material needs of the family but are typically emotionally distant. The children grow up to displace their energies into lives that may not be functional at all.

4. Sometimes an alcoholic father will have a workaholic son who has an immoral son. The lack of control and constructively channeled energies show up in different ways in the different generations.

5. Many times abuse is acted out sexually. Sex is a readily available avenue of expression. It can provide immediate sensations of pleasure whether experienced alone or with another person who is physically present or present on a page or on a screen. These experiences deny the real needs of the heart for relationship and companionship and friendship. They are sad attempts at significance.

In all these experiences the basic lack is not having the heart of the child. The child grows up to seek satisfactions in destructive ways. Not giving enough time and attention to the child allows the child to seek his own direction, typically in harmful behaviors toward self or toward others.

Healing can happen. Help is available. Seek God. Jesus was a real man. He was mistreated. He did not abuse. His love was available to all. His healing and love are available to men today. His healing love is available to you.

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