David Ebling was my maternal grandfather. His Father was Frank. His middle name was Franklin. He and my grandma only had one child, a daughter who became my mother. I was the first of the next generation so I am Frank. My oldest son is Joel Frank.
David Ebling was an energetic young man. He had one brother and one sister. His brother was older but was not mentally competent so his family depended on him to be the leader in the family. His father died when he (David) was about 20 years old.
He grew up on one of the Ebling farms on what is now Airport Road north of Bethel, PA. Frank Ebling had provided adjoining farms for his sons, Frank and George.
They were members of the German Baptist church that became the Church of the Brethren. David married Laura Emma Gibble. In 1927, they joined the recently begun Dunkard Brethren Church. That decision separated them from their family who remained with the Church of the Brethren.
Grandpa was a hard working young man. He worked on the first electric lines in the area fed by an 18 horsepower generator in a local dam. He also worked for a feed mill in Rehrersburg, PA.
He and his father in law Abraham D. Gibble had a feed mill – Swatara Creek Mills. Later he would build his own feed and flour mill in the village of Bethel behind the Moyer mansion which he had purchased. He had trucks on the road and a scale along the Old 22 also in the village of Bethel.
During the difficult years of WWII he provided feed to those who needed feed for their livestock. Some paid for the feed and some could not. He kept the unpaid bills in the attic of his Farm house on School Road, Bethel. There were three long wires with bills stuck on them. We did not add up the receivables but we were told that there were about $70,000.00 dollars of unpaid bills. Sometimes someone would come to grandpa and pay on their bill. Some came and asked if the bill could be forgiven. This continued into the early 1960s. For many years people would tell us how Grandpa gave them feed even when they could not pay. They needed to raise families and pay bills. When Grandpa died, we looked through these bills a bit and then destroyed them.
Grandpa had purchased a farm on School Road in 1940. He paid $3475.00 for the farm. After the agreement was made, the barn had burned. He was offered three options:
- Back out from the purchase.
- Purchase at a reduced price.
- They would build a new barn to replace the one that burned.
He chose option 3.
When one considers the price of the farm and considers the value of the unpaid bills, it is a startling contrast. He could have purchased many farms with the money he did not collect. Actually he could have purchased many farms with the money he got from selling the mill property. He sold it for $42,000.00.
He bought a Buick car and a travel trailer. He and Grandma traveled to the west coast of the USA and back again. He began farming the School Road farm and began a shop to sell and repair lawn mowers. He had a preacher friend from Lititz who made rotary mowers. They were a huge improvement from the reel mowers used for mowing on farms and cemeteries.
When I got to teenage I knew that Grandpa had money on investment. I saw farms sell for very low prices. I said, Grandpa, let’s buy some farms! He said, “Son (he called me son), other people need land too.” Just because you can does not mean that you should.
Background
The Bethel area was settled by Lutheran, Reformed and Brethren people. They were all German. They spoke the German dialect known as Pennsylvania Dutch. There were worldly people and there were plain people. They all spoke the Dutch language. Most of them got along well by helping each other.
Should you or Should you not?
If you can take advantage of someone, you should not.
If you can bless someone, you should.
Blessings are to be used to bless other people.
That is why God gives them to us.
Jesus said,
“And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.
“And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back.
“But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil.
“Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.
Luke 6:33-36
That was Grandpa’s approach to life.
Sadly, not everyone takes that Biblical approach.
Psalm 32
We all struggle. How can we struggle well? We all need God’s help for struggles of life. In Psalm 32, David talks about his sin and his need for forgiveness and correction. There are two approaches to life.
One is to be like a horse or a mule. They must be controlled by bit and bridle. That is how they are harnessed and controlled.
We are not supposed to be like that.
9 Do not be like the horse or like the mule,
Which have no understanding,
Which must be harnessed with bit and bridle,
Else they will not come near you.
The other way is to be controlled by God’s eye. That is what God does want from us – that we will be guided by His eye.
8 God says, I will instruct you and
Teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.
That will keep our heart upright.
Why do we insist and persist in being like a horse or mule?
God says, Do not be like that.
He further says, 10 Many sorrows shall be to the wicked; But he who trusts in the LORD, mercy shall surround him.
11 Be glad in the LORD and rejoice, you righteous; And shout for joy, all you upright in heart!
When we are guided by God’s eye, there is mercy, gladness, rejoicing, shouts of joy, and you are righteous and upright in heart.
That is what God wants.
That is what God provides.
That is what will bless your life.
We are not citizens of earth trying to get to Heaven.
We are citizens of Heaven trying to live victoriously here on earth.
Jesus said that we must become like little children if we want to be part of the Kingdom of Heaven. Peter said that like little babies, we should long for the sincere milk of the Word.
Being a believer is not knowing all the theology, it is loving the Father who make us and calls us to follow Him like little children.
The serpent told Eve – if you eat this, you will be like God. Eve was already like God. God had made her like Himself. She was His creation. Adam accepted the challenge and the lie. They had fellowship with God. They accepted His call on their lives. No more.
Innocence was lost.
Purity was lost.
Fellowship with God was lost.
That did not need to happen.
Jesus said pray – on earth as it is in heaven – that is our task. We are to live here on earth as those who live in heaven. Our lives are to bring heaven to earth by living like heaven.
That means that our lives are to be mostly worship. We are to live lives that worship God in heaven. That is our joy and opportunity.
Dallas Willard says, “Egotism is pathological self-obsession, a reaction to anxiety about whether one really does count. It is a form of acute self-consciousness and can be prevented and healed only by the experience of being adequately loved. It is, indeed, a desperate response to frustration of the need we all have to count for something and held to be irreplaceable, without price. TheDivine Conspiracy
Larry Crabb says, “Beneath what our culture calls psychological disorder is a soul crying out for what only community can provide … the problem beneath our problems is a disconnected soul … the greatest need in modern civilization is the development of communities – true communities where the heart of God is home, where the humble and wise learn to shepherd those on the path behind them, where the trusting strugglers lock arms with others as together they journey on.”
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the Good news of the love of The Creator God impacting His creation.
That Gospel will develop and produce a culture that is Biblical. As the Gospel is accepted it will produce a lifestyle in the culture. Indeed it will produce a culture that expresses and presents the practices of the Gospel.
On the other hand-
The Gospel can be taken captive by an already established culture. In that case, the culture determines how the Gospel will be expressed and applied.
So – The Gospel will produce a culture
Or –
The culture will shape the Gospel into a system that supports the culture.
Those are the options. Which will it be?
There are cultural aspects of the Gospel. People have different diets and occupations and agricultural practices.
However-
When the Gospel enters a culture, the culture will reflect and endorse the character of the Gospel.
On the other hand –
When an established culture accepts the Gospel, the tendency is for the culture to control and establish how the Gospel functions.
That is the cultural captivity of the Gospel –
Because the culture has determined how the Gospel will be expressed.
In that determination, the transforming power of the Gospel is captive to the already established parameters of the particular culture and the power of the Gospel is limited to the methods established by the culture.
Cultures where the Gospel is captive typically defend their practices. The Gospel of God actually provides a basis for evaluation of the practices to see if those practices are, in fact, consistent with the Gospel and if not, how to bring the practices into conformity to the Gospel.
Some questions arise about difficult church situations. Many congregations go through times of difficulty. Problems not addressed tend to escalate. People tend to polarize – taking sides in the struggle. Lack of Truth, unkind words, and lack of Biblical direction all take a toll on the flock. What can be done? Here are some questions and comments that I have found useful to get to the heart of the struggle.
- What is the general emotional and spiritual health of the persons in leadership?
Emotional and Spiritual health are imperative if healing is to be found.
Strong, healthy leaders are needed to give direction to the flock.
They must be men who are committed to the wisdom of mercy and Truth. - Are the leaders men who are wounded, or men who are broken before God?
We are all wounded but some of us have been healed.
Men who are wounded and healed are broken before God.
Men who are not healed are defensive and proud and driven.
Saul was a wounded man. David was a broken man.
Wounded men throw spears. Broken men do not throw spears. - What is the emotional and spiritual health of the women who are involved?
Are the women submissive or are they controlling?
Controlling women will quietly destroy families and the church.
Passive fathers and husbands produce controlling women.
Men with controlling wives are quietly angry and will try to control decisions.
Controlling women can produce passive sons who repeat this process. - Passive (wounded) fathers and controlling (wounded) mothers can produce angry (wounded) children.
Many young people are angry at their parents.
They are angry at their mothers for being controlling and domineering.
They are angry at their fathers for allowing the mother’s behaviors.
The anger shows itself in many different ways – Violence (usually vicarious), immorality, passive resistance, confusion, and depression. - Wounded men are afraid of broken/healed men.
Wounded men use threats and intimidation to control situations.
Broken/Healthy men are not afraid of threats and intimidation.
Broken/Healthy men are not controllable by threats.
Broken/Healthy men are not afraid of death
Because broken/healthy men are already “dead.”
Broken/Healthy men pity wounded men
Because they remember when they themselves were wounded and not healthy. - Are the lessons/sermons Scripture or are they human ideas?
Scripture is not a “jumping-off-point” to push our agenda.
Scripture is the Word of God.
Scripture truth must be studied and presented.
Scripture will change lives as it is taught.
Leaders are to feed the flock with the Word of God. - Are the Spiritual gifts being used by the church?
God has placed those gifts in the congregation.
The Church needs to recognize and develop the gifts God has given.
Church politics controls who gets to speak and make decisions.
Politics and truth can not exist together. - Are the people experiencing genuine worship from the heart?
We must worship God in Spirit and in Truth.
The Father seeks such to worship Him.
Worship must be the primary life of the Church. - Are the people being shepherded?
Are their needs being met?
Are their hearts being healed/
Are the leaders speaking into their lives?
Are the people shepherding each other as they should be?
Shepherds must lead, guide and set the example for the flock.
Teaching and shepherding are the critical ministries - Is there wise oversight to which the leaders are responsible?
Everyone needs to answer to someone.
Leaders need mentors to help them grow and develop as leaders.
Leaders need to be open to evaluation and direction.
Leaders need Godly men around them.
Leaders need to be accountable to a council of Biblical elders/overseers.
Healing can occur if leaders follow a Biblical approach.
Much more could be said. These are just some questions and comments that may help to determine underlying causes of stresses in a congregation. Many times if underlying issues can be constructively addressed, the problems can be understood and corrected and peace restored.
Most church struggles are not necessary. They are the product of wounded, unbroken, unhealthy men and women. They can only be prevented by strong, Godly, broken, healthy men and women who are dead to self and alive to the Holy Spirit of God.
Apostle Paul’s counsel rings through time:
For I have not shunned to declare to you the whole counsel of God.
Therefore,
Take heed to yourselves
And to all the flock,
Among which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers,
To shepherd the church of God which He purchased with His own blood.
For I know this, that after my departure
Savage wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock.
Also from among yourselves men will rise up,
Speaking perverse things, to draw away the disciples after themselves.
Therefore watch, and remember that for three years
I did not cease to warn everyone night and day with tears.
So now, brethren, I commend you to God and to the word of His grace,
Which is able to build you up
And give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified.
Acts 20:27-32
Love is the answer. Love is usually spelled – T.I.M.E.
Take time for just you and your child alone
Listen in an unthreatening atmosphere so they can relax –with no pressure
Do not ‘put-down’ what they say if you do not like it
They will sometimes use ‘trial-balloons’ to get your reaction
Be caring – do not talk about yourself and your parents, etc. more than is useful
Respond carefully, “do I hear you saying…” “Can you say more about that?”
Do something together – walking, out to eat, fishing, shopping, something they enjoy
Do not force the discussion – it is not sin to be quiet for a time
Allow your emotions to show – laugh and cry when appropriate – be authentic
Hugs if welcome – not if not welcome – then wait – be safe – be vulnerable
Be confidential – pray for and with them
Allow child to be honest about both parents
Allow child to be honest about siblings
Allow child to express facts about life – proceed slowly
Are they protected? Are they safe? Do they feel loved?
Ask gentle questions – do not steer the discussion your way
Allow their perceptions – correct gently if they are very wrong
Allow them to express their feelings- ask questions to clarify
Children need to talk to each other about their parents – allow them that freedom
Do not blame parents but allow them to be honest about dad and mom
If they are more comfortable talking to mom, do not resist that
Accept your responsibility – be honest about your responsibilities/mistakes
Ask forgiveness for wrongs
It may take many times together to make amends
Find the heart of your child among all the facts, feelings, and perceptions
Allow the child to be who they are and who God made them to be
Often good to sit facing each other – safe distance – 3 to 6 feet apart
Make sure you can hear their voice plainly
Have tissues handy for both of you – there may be tears
Say, ‘I love you..’ as appropriate
Allow them to talk to other, wise, helpful friends who can bless them
Know their needs – help with finances, vehicles, decisions, etc.
Know when to close the discussion and plan for another time to talk
Find things they like to do and plan around those things
Allow child and yourself time to process and make time to talk later
Dad, if/when your daughter needs friends, you are first on her list – be there!
Remember that children can see through us.
They may not say so but they can and they do.
Remember how you were as a young person.
Remember that loving discipline is the kindest approach to raising children.
Remember that teaching responsibility will remedy most problems before they begin.
If you are a married man:
You may have married a girl who had a difficult growing up experience
Prepare your daughter to be the strong woman that this world needs
Give her roots and wings and a faith in God that nothing can shake
Be a father who will give her strength for all of her life –
Give her your heart. Make sure that you have her heart.
There are inverted structures– where right is wrong and wrong is right, black is white and white is black. Children of divorce, brokenness in families, polarizations in churches, schools, etc. are examples of inverted structures. In inverted structures we transfer our hurts to the children – sin begets sin instead of healing begets healing.
There are many examples and illustrations – all filled with debilitating pain…What can we do?
We will all make mistakes. We do make mistakes. We make mistakes as parents, as schools and as churches. What to do? Do you have your child’s heart? Do they see that you really care? Are you approachable? Do not beat yourself up. Do they see that you are really sorry? Do things together – simple things. Is your heart available? Bring love acceptance and joy to the heart of your hurting child. Leaders in the home, school and church must be emotionally available if we are to have the hearts of those we serve and love.
Boundaries
Be a coach and a support.
Coaches teach you how to use practical skills for life.
Supporters provide on-site training for you to develop those skills.
No parents are perfect – your children need other persons in the family of God to impact their lives. Teach them to evaluate and choose safe friends and wise counsel.
Peace and joy in your life and home are the primary ingredients for healthy children.
Shame, or blame, or performance based parenting will not help the children.
Children are individuals; please do not compare them to siblings or to you.
Many people live in doubt and fear and do not know who they are. They use defenses to protect self and then they become those defenses. They fear that if and when they find the real ‘me’ coming out they will not be able to be who God has made them to be. Sometimes counselors try to use deliverance or worldly wisdom to remove problems when the problem is the guards/defenses protecting the little people who were injured/rejected, abused.
When safety allows the guards to drop, the real ‘me’ that God made can surface. People can be trapped in protections that produce false identities and lack of mature development. Sometimes they act like 3year olds or 7year olds when they are actually 20 or 30 or 40 year olds. They are still that hurting little person who could not make sense of life when they were 3 or 5 years old.
We must connect the adult person with the hurting little person inside. Speak into the heart of the 4 year old pain. Speak into the heart of the 12 year old or 18 year old rejection. A girl saw her ‘boyfriend’ with another girl after breaking the date he had planned with her. That kind of rejection can become the pattern for life after that. She struggles to maintain some level of security and sanity and safety.
Emotional age vs. chronological age. Do not react improperly to regressive behavior.
Do not jump to simplistic buzz words: demons, soul-ties, DID, mechanisms, etc.
Do not become an enabler by allowing or endorsing wrong behaviors.
Do require responsible thinking and behavior.
Boys need to be given direction and become men – Dad you are the man
Girls are eager to give their heart to someone – Dad, you are the man.
Correct the inverted structures in home and church. Right is right and wrong is wrong no matter who does it. Health begets health and healing begets healing. Modesty and humility in leadership is the path to return to God. If and when we do that, our children will see and flourish in their Spiritual lives. Until then, the Devil is in charge and will destroy our best human intentions.
How are you shaping the lives under your care? They are eternal souls. God will hold you accountable. Early, firm but loving discipline will put them on the path to self-regulation and joy. They will live lives of joy and peace and happiness OR they will live lives of hurt and pain and discouragement. The choice is yours. How will you direct them? These things are paid for in the lives of people.
When you look at a baby, think. Think about the potential, the possibilities that God has placed into that beautiful little bundle of life.
Think of your responsibility to relieve the pain and stress of that life.
Belonging – importance, usefulness, meaning to someone
Purpose – live meaning in life
Eternity in their heart –
Know yourself as a child of God – as part of God’s family
Value – just because you are you
Discipline – direction into discipleship – Deu. 6
They need to see themselves as valuable, worthy of love so they can accept love and care. Be able to give and receive love – trust the love of God and people vs. being defensive.
And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receives me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven.”
Matt. 18:6,10
The meek and mild Jesus, who held little children on his knee, has no patience for those who would insult and harm one of them. Imagine the harshness of His words!
What will happen on judgment day when people stand before the Judge of all the earth? They will give account for how they have treated little children. Those beautiful bundles of life, teeming with anticipation and joy and happiness, contaminated and snuffed out by careless, hurting, insensitive adults. What will Jesus say?
As I try to speak words of healing into hurting hearts I wonder, what do they need to hear? Can they feel the love they need? Can they feel the love of Jesus? Can they know that He cares? Can that little bundle of life be restored? Can the spark of life be fanned into a flame that can burn brightly? Can my life portray the life of Jesus? Can my words be the words of Jesus – the Word of God? That is what we need.
Part I
We all came into this world the same way. We had a father and a mother. After gestation, we burst into this world as a beautiful bundle of life.
As I work with people of all ages, an image rises up before my eyes. Once upon a time, this sad and hurting person was a beautiful bundle of life. A bundle of life with so many possibilities. So many opportunities. So much anticipated joy and happiness. What happened? What went wrong? How did it happen? What can I do to bring blessing to this hurting person? How can I be a channel of God’s love and joy to them?
Lives are shaped. We can shape a life any way we want. We could take that little bundle and give it to an Amish family. Fifteen years later that young man or woman would be speaking “Dutch” and driving a horse and buggy. Or, we could give that little bundle to an Amazon jungle family. Fifteen years later he or she would be speaking that language and living the jungle life. Amish or Amazon, we could shape that life anyway we want.
How is a life supposed to be shaped? How should children be raised? In the fear and admonition of the Lord, is what the Bible says. What does that mean?
And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in your heart: And you shall teach them diligently unto your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise up. Deuteronomy 6.
Parents are to provide protection and instruction, guidance and direction to their children. Fathers are to be examples of Godliness and not to discourage and anger their children. Mothers are to be examples of Godliness and nourish and cherish their children. These little bundles must be protected and prepared for life.
Troubled homes and troubled churches are a death knell to the young life. The life that God bestowed on that little bundle can be extinguished by careless and abusive adults. The life of hurt and harm that ensues is tragic indeed. And just to think that they began as a beautiful little bundle of life –a gift from Almighty God.
It is so difficult to re-infuse life into a hurting heart. It can happen and it does, but it is so difficult. The pains of rejection and abuse linger long into adulthood. What does Jesus think about this? Some of His harshest words were spoken into this type of situation.
God designed us for connections – connections with Him, parents, other people and with our own self. The first 9 months of life we are connected to our mother. When we are born we need the same connection with mother, father and caregivers. If that happens, we develop security and value and worth. We grow and learn in that safe environment. We become adults who can pass on those elements to the next generation.
If that does not happen well, we develop insecurity and develop survival methods just so we can stay alive. We do not feel worthy of love and care. We struggle to find ways to exist. If we do not feel loveable and loved, we blame our self. That is the safest approach. Performance based families and systems further this type of life.
Children from healthy, happy homes and families seem able to weather the storms of life and come away unscathed. They have learned that joy is the center of life and are able to find the joy path in any and all situations. Those from struggling families and systems where they were never quite sure if they were cared for or not, continue the struggle through life with fears, blame, self-contempt, need to control, etc.
All energies must flow toward them. They have no energy to flow toward others. Pain of life has engulfed them and takes all available energies. Joy is a distant dream. They live a sad existence of pain, seemingly unable to rise above the path set out for them by early life experiences. Helping them is a nearly impossible task. They need truth and love and encouragement to rise above their struggles. It can happen but it is a daunting, life-long task. Every life is worth living. Every life is worth blessing. That is our task.
Biblical Brethren Fellowship 